The War Within
by alwayssmilingsam
Summary: Christmas Special 2016 - Shelagh struggles with the thought of leaving her children and having them so far away.


**Spoilers for the 2016 Christmas Special. I own nothing except the idea, the characters all belong to Neal St Productions.**

 **This is my attempt to explain Shelagh leaving her children for four weeks. To be completely honest I actually do think it was a bit out of character for her to have done it without a bit more explanation in the show (but that is just my opinion) but two years ago we know she wouldn't even leave Angela a for a night out, I just think it is a bit of a stretch to imagine her leaving them for a month.**

From the first moment she had suggested flying to South Africa Shelagh Turner had been excited about the trip. The only misgiving she had was leaving her children for four, long weeks. She knew they would be well looked after and she knew Timothy understood the importance of what his parents were undertaking and why. But Angela. Angela was still so small, only two years old, was she being an irresponsible mother to even consider leaving her for four weeks? It was only two years ago she wouldn't even consider leaving her for a night to go to a dinner dance with her husband.

Since Christmas day Shelagh had second guessed her decision to go more times than she cared to think about. She wondered if she had been caught up in the thought of helping the poorest of the poor on the other side of the world, at other times she felt the war between the needs of her daughter and the needs of her husband but mostly she felt guilt that her own desire to go was stronger than her ability to not go.

Not since she was Sister Bernadette had she felt this overwhelming need to help others. She loved her family, her life, and she had never once regretted her decision to leave – this was the path God wanted for her, she was sure of it. She helped Patrick and she helped the women of Poplar but since the trip to South Africa had first been mentioned she knew she needed to be a part of it.

Granny Parker had immediately said yes when they had asked her to care for the children and, not for the first time, she felt blessed that Patrick's mother in law had embraced his second family and considered them her own. Angela always loved visiting her and was thoroughly spoilt while there, but it was one thing to visit for the afternoon and quite another to stay there for four weeks.

They dropped the children on their way to the airport, not wanting to be away from them for one night longer than necessary. At first Angela had been excited, assuming it was an afternoon visit however, when her parents made to leave without her tears welled in her eyes.

Shelagh clung to her daughter and desperately tried not to let the tears slide from her own eyes. Patrick gently lifted his daughter from her mother's arms and hugged her close and kissed her nose before handing her over to Marianne's mother.

Angela began to sob and Timothy took her in his arms trying to sooth her but Angela was having none of it.

"Shelagh we need to go, she won't settle while we are still here." Patrick gently led his wife to the car as they both heard their daughter sobbing 'mama' and reaching for her parents.

The trip to the airport was punctuated by Shelagh's vain attempts to stifle her own sobs.

"We can call from the airport to make sure she is alright. You can still change your mind you know." Patrick told her gently.

Shelagh took a deep breath. "I shall be alright dear. But I would like to call just to put my own mind at ease."

Once they had checked their luggage, the couple headed for the nearest telephone. Just as Patrick had suspected Angela was happily occupied drawing pictures and her sobs had stopped almost as soon as her parents were out of sight.

With the worry that she was leaving a distraught daughter behind now lifted Shelagh managed to relax enough to become excited about her first trip overseas.

The excitement increased as she boarded the plane and took her seat by the window. Patrick had insisted she take the window seat which she had though very gallant of him until they began taxiing down the runway and she suddenly felt his face next to hers and his lips nibbling on her ear and his hand gently resting on her upper thigh as he looked out the window beside his wife. Shelagh smiled, very grateful to have him so close.

Shelagh felt her stomach lurch as the plane took off and let out a small gasp. The hand on her thigh began to gently move in an attempt to calm her. "It's okay love, we are in the air."

About two hours into the flight Shelagh fell asleep and Patrick had time to just sit and watch his wife. He marveled at her strength, he knew how hard it had been for her to leave Angela and Timothy and he knew she had done it for him. He gently eased her head onto his shoulder as she began to stir and clasped one of her hands within his.

Fourteen hours after leaving England they finally landed in Cape Town. Shelagh had managed a solid eight hours of sleep and was refreshed as they disembarked, Patrick however, had slept very little and was decidedly grumpy as they walked out of the terminal and were hit with the extreme temperature difference.

They had a connecting flight to Port Elizabeth the following day so Shelagh had booked them into a modest hotel in the centre of Cape Town for the night. Patrick once again marveled at her organizational skills, for a woman who had never travelled further than Scotland to London she had taking to making international travel arrangements like she had been doing it all her life.

Patrick checked them into their hotel and immediately lay on the bed, exhausted. Shelagh knelt on the bed beside him and kissed the side of his face. "You rest dear, I am just going to do a bit of shopping and exploring."

Patrick's eyes popped open. "No Shelagh. I don't want you wandering a foreign city by yourself. Just let me have an hour of sleep and I'll join you."

"Nonsense Patrick, you're exhausted. But if you are really worried I'll just shop in that large centre down the block and I'll leave the exploring until you wake up."

Patrick had the distinct feeling he may have just been manipulated but he was too tired to think too clearly about it. "Just the Shopping Centre then and straight back here?"

Shelagh kissed him again. "I promise."

Three hours later Shelagh returned to their hotel room laden with bags. She had never shopped anywhere like it before. It was nothing like the high streets at home. All the shops were located within one large building almost like a market. She had managed to find gifts for both the children and some lovely little sundresses for Angela. One of her bolder purchases had been a swimsuit for herself. They had been told the mission was reasonably close to the ocean and they may have an opportunity to visit it but Shelagh had not owned a swimsuit since she was a child and knew it would be impossible to find one in London in January and had resigned herself to going without.

As she put all the bags on the floor at the end of the bed a refreshed Patrick exited the bathroom, obviously just having had a shower and a shave.

"What's all this then?" he grinned at his usually frugal wife.

Shelagh looked at the number of bags guiltily. "I may have gone a wee bit overboard on gifts for the children." She confessed. "I feel so terribly selfish for leaving them Patrick." She sat on the end of the bed wearily.

Patrick sat next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "I know you do sweetheart. I do too. But you are right, we both need this. We need this to remind ourselves that what we do does help and not harm. We need this to feel like we are truly making a difference in people's lives. Nothing will ever expunge the responsibility and guilt we feel over Thalidomide but this will help to heal the wound in our souls and that will make us better parents to our children. It is going to be a hard four weeks but I hope the rewards will be worth it."

Shelagh leaned into her husband. He always knew exactly the right thing to say, it didn't stop her missing the children but it did help ease her overwhelming guilt at leaving them.

"Well then, show me what the children will be receiving as gifts."

Shelagh proceeded to empty the bags of her purchases. In addition to the children's gifts she had also purchased Patrick and additional linen suit, herself two more summer dresses, realizing the heat was far worse than she expected and she knew the one dress she had in addition to her uniforms would not be enough.

"And what's in this one?" Patrick held up the last and smallest of the bags.

Shelagh blushed. "I'm afraid you have a very extravagant wife dear."

Patrick laughed at the ridiculousness of that statement. Shelagh was one of the least extravagant women he knew. It had taken almost two years of marriage to convince her that it was perfectly acceptable to purchase new clothes, he would admit that once she had found her own style she often added new pieces to her wardrobe however, he was too busy admiring her in them to care about the cost.

"I purchased a swimsuit dear." She confessed quietly.

"Really?" Patrick's interest was piqued. He couldn't imagine his very conservative wife would feel comfortable showing that much skin in front of other people. "Am I going to get a fashion show then?" He grinned at her.

"Patrick! Don't be silly. I feel guilty enough even buying it. We probably won't even get to the sea and it will have been an extravagant waste." Shelagh stood and began packing her purchases back into their bags.

Patrick stood behind her and began nibbling at her ear and caressing her arms. "Please." He begged huskily.

Shelagh sighed. "Yes." She whispered as her breath hitched.

Five minutes later Shelagh exited the bathroom and stood before her husband. "Happy?"

Patrick felt his heart begin to beat faster at the sight before him. She was magnificent, the most beautiful woman in the world and she was all his.

Shelagh recognized the gleam in her husband's eye and felt her own heart begin to beat faster. "It's two o'clock in the afternoon Patrick!"

"So?" He took a few steps closer to her and traced his finger along the neckline of the swimsuit, satisfied when he heard the hitch in her breathing that indicated her protests were all for show. "Who knows what our sleeping arrangements will be when we get to the mission."

Shelagh gave in to his caresses and pressed her body closer to his. "Just remember dear, if this rips as you take it off you may never see me in a swimsuit again." She grinned at him saucily.

"Incentive to be careful if ever I've heard it."

The flight to Port Elizabeth landed mid-afternoon. Once again the Turners had to stay in a hotel overnight. Having slept well the previous night the couple decided to make the most of their time in the port city. They had dinner in a restaurant that overlooked the bay and they then strolled along the beach both feeling like young newlyweds.

"I wish we had been able to bring the children with us." Shelagh sighed as she took in the beauty before her. "They would have loved this. I can just imagine Angela sitting on the beach building sandcastles."

Patrick agreed. "It would have been easy to have had the children with us on this part of the journey but we have no idea of the conditions at Hope Clinic other than they will be extremely rustic and we will both be working so there would be no one to care for them. As much as I miss them too, it just wasn't practical to bring them."

"I know. I'll be better when we get to work and I'm am too busy to constantly dwell on missing them." She smiled at him.

"You mean my attentions aren't enough to make you forget everything." Patrick leaned in and whispered in her ear causing her to blush.

Shelagh had been right, she was so busy at the mission she barely had time to think about her children during the day. However, each night she held the precious photograph she had bought with her and said a prayer that they were safe and happy and they would understand her need to be here with their father. She then caressed each of the celluloid faces, remembering what it was like to hold each of them in her arms and she mentally sent them all her love. She tried to do all of this while Patrick was in the makeshift washroom so he didn't see how much she was missing them. She would then place the photo beside the bed so they would be close to her.

She rested her head on the pillow and reminded herself they were doing good work here. They may not be making a massive change to the injustices these people were being subjected to but they were making a start and in this moment in time that's all they could do. It would take time for the world to change and Shelagh hoped that those changes may be realized during her children's lives and they could be proud of the fact that their parents made a very small contribution to it.


End file.
